BECAUSE OF THE PIE
a parody by Bethany
Les leaned in a hungry look in his eyes and said, "Do you like pie?"
Catalina responded breathlessly, "Yes, if it's cherry...I love cherry."
"Then, my darling," said Les, embracing her with fervor, "you shall have your cherry pie. I swear it!"
She leaned in staring into his intense blue eyes, "Could we--that is, is it possible," she stammered still breathless, "that we could have some now?"
Les held Catalina tighter still saying huskily, "Of course, my dearest!"
The two of them passionately ate the pie.
After they finished Les tenderly wiped her ruby red lips saying, "And now my darling, that your hunger has been satiated, is there anything else I might do for you?"
"I know it's not exactly the same as eating, but would you mind so very much kissing me?" Catalina beseeched him.
"I only want to make you eternally happy, so I shall oblige you, my love." Les answered, dipping his head to hers and covering her trembling lips with his own.
She wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer. The heat was intense. Suddenly Catalina couldn't breathe.
"Oh no!" Les exclaimed, "What's the matter, my sweet?"
"It's too hot!" Catalina cried, "Please turn on the air conditioner! It's ninety degrees out!"
Immediately Les let her go and ran to the thermostat turning it down. The air began to make a light breeze throughout the room. To cool the room down even faster, Les also turned on the fan.
After awhile Catalina began breathing normally.
"Much better." She said with a sigh.
Les gave her a smoldering look, "I am delighted that you are feeling better. I could not live without you, my love."
"Or I, you." She agreed, once again breathless.
Les's chest heaved with emotion. "I must have you for my wife, say you'll marry me!"
"Tomorrow if you wish!" Catalina exclaimed. "I want to be yours forever!"
"Don't you want a wedding with all the trimmings and everything?" Les asked.
She sighed. "I do, it's just so hard to wait for the day. I love you so much!"
"I know, my darling," Les answered, trying hard to keep his beating heart in check, "the year seems to have flown by. I promise, it won't take long. How about six months?"
Catalina gave another languishing sigh. "Oh, perish the thought of waiting that long! But, alright. Six months will give me time to find a nice dress."
"Yes and you told me you wanted a church wedding."
"Oh," her eyes brightened, "would you, Les? For me?"
"Anything." He promised her impulsively.
"Oh, Les, you're so wonderful!" She gushed dreamily.
"So are you, my darling, so are you." Les answered.
He pulled her once more into the shelter of his arms, placing his lips ardently on her own. She reached up, wrapping her arms around his neck, hanging on as if her life depended on it. The two lost themselves in the kiss. Les could taste the leftover cherry pie on Catalina's mouth, which only increased his desire. Catalina found a crumb on Les's upper lip and nipped it with her teeth.
"Ouch!" Les cried out, letting her go.
"Oh!" Catalina exclaimed. "I am sorry. But, you know how I feel about pie."
"I cannot be mad at you for going after what you naturally desire, my darling. Just please check and see if I'm bleeding?" Les answered, pointing to his injured lip.
Catalina's fingers were gentle upon his sore lip and he sighed as she looked him over carefully. "I don't think it's bleeding." She reassured him. "And there's no more pie." She looked sorrowfully at the empty pie plate.
Les wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "I shall buy you another, my love."
"Oh, Les." She batted her eyes at him. "Would you really?"
"Oh, you're so good to me!"
"And you are to me. You made my lip feel much better."
She smiled girlishly at him. "Did I, Les? Did I truly?"
"Yes." He assured her. "Most completely."
"I'm so glad!" She clapped her hands together. "Oh my sweet Les-bear, how can I make it up to you that I did such a grievous thing to your poor lip?"
Les thought about this. "Would you mind baking me cookies? You know how much I love your cookies."
"Chocolate chip?" She inquired.
"The very ones!" He declared.
"When would you like them?"
"Whenever. I know that you can't concentrate when I'm in the kitchen, especially when I haven't gotten you that other pie you wanted."
"Perhaps this once I can make an exception." She said slowly. "I will bake your cookies if you promise to keep me company."
"Delighted to, my darling."
"Then, to the kitchen!" She cried.
"To the kitchen!" He agreed, helping her to her feet.
They hurried into the spacious kitchen and Catalina got out the ingredients for the chocolate chip cookies.
Les smiled a sparkling smile at Catalina as she began mixing the ingredients.
After awhile Catalina held up her mixing spoon. "Would you like a taste?" She asked coyly.
"Yes!" Les said emphatically. "I would love a taste."
He took the spoon from her, wiping a bit of the dough off it with his finger and shoved his finger into his mouth. "Delicious!" He pronounced. "You are a gourmet, my darling."
Catalina sparkled. "Thank you, Les-bear."
They shared a smile. Catalina finished baking the cookies. Once the cookies were made Les pronounced them the best he'd ever had.
Afterward the two of them went outside. Hand in hand they walked off into the sunset. The next day Les brought over another pie for Catalina. She was ecstatic at his thoughtfulness and generously shared the pie with him.
Six months later they were married. Catalina wore a most gorgeous white wedding gown that Les thought was perfect. Catalina thought Les looked dashing all dressed up in a tuxedo when he met her at the altar. They were wed by a most appropriate being who presided over the ceremony incredibly well.
Thus, that is how Les and Catalina ended up living happily ever after.
In closing, one should note that Les made sure to always have pie on hand, while Catalina supplied the cookies. It was a match made in Heaven.
Hope you all enjoyed it. I had a good laugh writing it and Les thought it was funny. He made me email him a copy of it.
Have a great day!